A silent treatment at Diddly Squat
Jeremy Clarkson has said that Kaleb Cooper, his right-hand man on the Diddly Squat farm, is not talking to him after the latest scheme – growing flax – went badly wrong. Writing in his column for The Times, Clarkson described the harvest as another "Diddly Squat disaster," following failed attempts at rabbit breeding and herb growing.
According to Clarkson, the flax harvest required an enormous machine that could only be described as "an industrial accident that hasn't happened just yet," and after the machine had done its work, Clarkson, Lisa, and Kaleb had to scoop up the stalks into stooks and tie them with string. "Kaleb ... is not talking to me," Clarkson wrote, adding that Kaleb told him he has to stop coming up with "harebrained schemes without thinking them through."
The flax was planted in a few fields by the farmhand Charlie, and Clarkson noted that the field in question was used by ten thousand local dogs as a lavatory, and the flea beetle had been busy. He concluded that flax was up there with the thyme and the rabbits as another Diddly Squat disaster.
A difficult year for farmers
The failed ventures come against a backdrop of what has been described as the "worst harvest within living memory" this year, attributed to relentless heatwaves. Clarkson was advised by his agronomist, Charlie Ireland, that there would be no point planting wheat or barley this year because, no matter what the weather did, he'd be guaranteed to lose money.
Clarkson explained in his column that he turned his attention to "the little bits of the farm that in my mind would become pockets of profit." He tried rabbit breeding first, but the animals turned "vicious" when he encouraged them to mate. Clarkson wrote: "This is a problem if, like me, you're on blood thinners. I've never once been hurt by a cow, but every time I emerge from the daily rabbit attack, I'm bleeding so profusely I look like that fountain in Geneva."
His herb growing attempt also failed, after being told chives are "more expensive than silver right now," but the herbs did not grow properly, yielding "a ton of parsley, a handful of coriander and a lot of dead thyme."
Expert views on climate change and farming
Beyond Clarkson's individual misfortunes, the broader challenges facing British farmers have drawn comment from experts. Charlie Taverner, policy lead at the Food, Farming and Countryside Commission, commented on climate change's impact on farmers and noted that some crops are becoming viable due to hotter summers, including sweet potatoes, sweet peppers, artichokes, chillies, chickpeas, and lentils.
However, Professor Carol Wagstaff, director of Agrifood Futures at the University of Reading, warned about climate extremes and cautioned that Britain cannot simply grow what is grown in Spain. Her remarks suggest that while some opportunities may emerge, the overall picture for farmers remains fraught with uncertainty.